It varies. My mother and my wife's father died in the same year. He died suddenly of a heart attack. He was gone, no chance to say goodbye.
My mother was diagnosed in the summer with pancreatic cancer, and had only a few months to live. She didn't want chemo, as it was unlikely to do much good, and she didn't want to spend the rest of her life in hospitals. It surprised me how calm she became about everything. She's always been a bit worried about everything, including her health, but now that her health was gone, she found peace. It was just before my parents' 45th anniversary, and she wanted the entire extended family to be there, and they were. We also planned a family weekend away. Originally the third weekend of October, but after my friends warned me that pancreatic cancer can move really quick, we moved it to the first weekend of October. We had a great time, she was fully conscious and happy, and just needed a bit more rest. On the second weekend of October, she was delirious in the hospice where she would die a few days later.
I would never wish pancreatic cancer on anyone, and the thought of passing away suddenly without being able to tell my loved ones good bye is equally awful sounding to me. I suppose it highlights the importance of making sure that your friends and family always know how you feel about them.
And don't postpone spending time with them. We knew we had little time, so we used our time well. But it's often much too tempting to postpone these things, to neglect our family, and then something happens and it's too late.
If I could have chosen whether to let my mother die from colon cancer over 18 painful months, or drop dead from a heart attack, I would rewrite history to the heart attack every single time. There is no way being able to say goodbye would overvalue the dignity of being so instantly gone.
18 months is a lot. For my mom it was only 3 months, and she was surprisingly at peace with it. More than she's ever been before, actually. But every case is different.
My mother was diagnosed in the summer with pancreatic cancer, and had only a few months to live. She didn't want chemo, as it was unlikely to do much good, and she didn't want to spend the rest of her life in hospitals. It surprised me how calm she became about everything. She's always been a bit worried about everything, including her health, but now that her health was gone, she found peace. It was just before my parents' 45th anniversary, and she wanted the entire extended family to be there, and they were. We also planned a family weekend away. Originally the third weekend of October, but after my friends warned me that pancreatic cancer can move really quick, we moved it to the first weekend of October. We had a great time, she was fully conscious and happy, and just needed a bit more rest. On the second weekend of October, she was delirious in the hospice where she would die a few days later.
I was very glad we could say goodbye like that.